It's been 10 days since my last post. Give or take. I really wish it was because we had had a great week. For some reason, I will never understand, the last three weeks in general have been terrible. I'm resorted to keeping my distance.
This is not to say that things are worse than ever, I have just found that when he is in these funks that he just can't get out of, the best thing to do is for us to go our separate ways for a while. This means that we largely spend time doing our own thing until he is back into a better frame of mind.
I saw a good friend, who did not know the diagnosis, but has known we have had trouble for a long time. She asked how we were. A while back, I simply stopped talking about it to people. Not in the sense that people knew what was really going on, but I simply stopped calling to talk to people I used to. The truth is I had grown weary of being constantly mad, hurt, or angry and I was positive that that means others had gown tired of it too. But she asked anyway.
I looked at her and said, "He's still in his funk." She seemed to understand. I told her the truth. Probably the only person who I knew in my heart I should not tell the truth too that I have. The reason is her direct relationship with us as a married couple. The very few others I have told are people who are not close to us as a couple, but are friends of mine only, or were on a need to know basis. But I told her, and I told her that we are currently in one of our avoidance periods. I did not elaborate, but simply told her that he now seems to improve in one area, only to begin suffering worse in another. And lately, that has meant a couple of situations that have become "unsafe" and which I had to walk away from for that reason. I'm sure she clearly understood.
But she looked at me with the love of a good friend and someone who understands and said, "But you are sticking by him, and that counts for something. At least for the moment, you are giving it your best."
So, for now, I will keep my distance until his funk is lifted and we can talk again. And I will remember that I am sticking by him, and giving it my best, and hopefully that will be enough.