Yesterday, I was have a horrible day. I was getting weepy at just about everything and feeling like I just couldn't cope. My three dogs were barking at the gardeners our HOA have hired to come on Thursdays and I just about lost it. They ended up in their crates and I ended up wandering aimlessly online trying to do anything but have to think about my day... or my life.
Bad days are hard because sometimes they happen on the same day that my husband is having a bad day and our house turns into WWIII and it feels like this is all our life will ever be. Sadly, when my bad days (or his) don't happen at the same time, the only difference is the WWIII part. It still feels like we will never make it through.
My heart breaks on those days. Anyone married to a man with PTSD will tell you that she has thought about leaving. That is the cold heart truth. She will probably also tell you that she has felt horrible for feeling that way. But really, what would you do if you were in our shoes? When life is a battle every day just to make it to bedtime, the weariness you feel can become all consuming.
Four years ago I stood up, in a private ceremony with just my husband, our parents and our wedding party (secretly getting married at our rehearsal) and vowed to love this man no matter what. I vowed to love him through deployments and all that might come our way. I actually wrote our vows and put the military stuff in their to show him that nothing, not even this topsy turvy live we lead as military families, would waver my devotion as his wife. I truly meant it.
I still want to mean it.
I want to wake up everyday and have compassion. This is not his fault. It is not something he is doing TO me. He has a battle in his mind that I can't help him fight. But some days are harder than others to feel that way.