How Do I Feel Today?

Do you ever feel like you have something burning inside of you that you just need to get out, but that you can't quite put your finger on?  I've always gone in and out of posting here consistently, but the last few (10) days has been because I can't seem to put into words what it is I'm feeling.  Is it hope? Fear? Is it cautious optimism? I don't know.

Things have been more up and down than usual.  One day, we are laughing and connecting better than we have in years, the next he is barely speaking to me again.  But he is speaking to me more frequently than before, the periods of ignoring are shorter and he seems to be trying to listen in a way he never has before.

We often have big blow out fights where I fight to be heard over the voices in his own head that are constantly battling with him.  He says he will listen, I know he won't.  But this time, something is different.  He told me to stop waiting to tell him I am angry or hurt.  I asked him how I was supposed to do that.  I told him I don't feel safe telling him things.  I know that if I said, "That was mean.  Don't speak to me that way." He will explode on me.  But if I wait, I get less of a blast, though still an angry demeanor.

I told him I can't win.  In the moment, he will escalate and he is doing that so quickly now that I can't control it anymore.  It's not safe for me to tell him things.  Sometimes I have panic attacks because I know I need to tell him something that will cause him to erupt.  I debate how important it is that he know.  I put it off.  But I know that I am trying to have a successful marriage, not just mitigate his symptoms and a successful marriage is honest.  It means that I knowingly incur his wrath so that I can continue to try to have communication and openness.

But it means I don't always feel safe talking to him.

For the first time, he saw it from my side.  He saw the lose/lose situation I am in.  He will get angry in the moment and possibly hurt me or he will get less angry after, but then not speak to me for weeks.  He will get angry I didn't tell him something or angry that I did.  And now that he sees that I don't feel safe and that I am afraid to talk to him, he is taking time to pause before speaking to me.

He is stopping and assessing his own reaction.

This has been a big step forward, but it has also meant that our rollercoaster ride has sped up.  Instead of weeks of not speaking to me, it's a day or a few days, but that means that we go through that ride so much more often than before which is a heck of a lot to cope with.

It means that I've logged into my blog a million times but have never written anything because I'm not sure what to say. I just sit here, staring at the screen, not able to put into words what I am feeling.  Am I happy? Sad? Unnerved? Nervous? Unsure? Scared? All of the above? It's hard to say.