Monday, June 17, 2013

A Constant Tug Of War

So often I find that our life feels like a game of tug of war.  We fight so hard to tug in one direction but it means that our rope becomes shorter on the other side.  Every time we improve in one area, it seems that a different area suffers and becomes the problem.  We are constantly moving around our life trying to find a balance that feels unobtainable.

We are speaking and have been for quite some time which is good.  But other parts of our life suffer now.  And our communication isn't meaningful.  I often feel like I'm asking too much of my husband, of our life and of myself.  I feel like I shout, "I just wish he would talk to me!"  And when he does, I say that our conversation isn't meaning full.  Maybe that is why nothing ever finds balance.  I'm not sure.

But while our life is still very superficial, we are talking and that is something.  That is more than something.  I wish we could really talk.  I wish i could tell him about my fears and my hopes and my dreams.  I wish he would tell me his.  But we are not to that point yet.  Our relationship is still precarious and our life is not ready to be mutual just yet.

It sounds terrible to say that.  And when I said it to my counselor he was upset.  I found that I felt like I was yet again facing someone who just doesn't understand this life.  It seems I always feel that way.  Most of my life is made up of the little victories and I will take superficial conversation over none.  Or better yet, over being yelled at and berated.

But now we have issues in other areas.  He is back to not listening to mean when I have something important to talk about.  I am back to feeling angry again.  And maybe I feel angry because of the strange calm in our home.  When things are crazy and unsure, I tend to close off to protect myself from the wrath that is coming, but when things are calm, I have no reason to do so, so I am allowed to feel my anger.

It is just a constant tug of war.  We are constantly pulling to work on one thing, but it often means taking from a different area as a result.  I often wonder if we will ever find that balance, but I know we will keep trying.


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