Arrogance

I know that I am limited in my experience of PTSD.  I'm limited in that I know my husband and a few others, but I only live with my husband.  If others with PTSD are as good at hiding many of their symptoms, which I assume they are sometimes, it means that I can't speak for what I see in those we know.  I have no idea what they might be hiding.

So, when I speak about what's going on right now, please no that I am not trying to insinuate that everyone is like this.  I'm simply telling you what I've seen in my own spouse.

And what I'm seeing is arrogance.

I'm an internet lurker.  I like to read, but rarely comment.  This is true for other blogs and true for websites in general.  But I've been seeing a lot about the spouses bullying other spouses and Facebook pages bullying spouses.  I've seen Ketchupgate and all of those others things directed at military families.  But whenever I speak to my husband about these things he rolls his eyes.

It's actually quite painful when he does.  He rolls them and gives me the arrogant look of a man who agrees that I'm not allowed to have opinions on military matters because I'm not a service member.  But what he doesn't understand is that these issues affect me through him.

While I may not be the service member and I did not sign my name on a contract, each decision the USMC makes for him affects me.  He may be the one deployed, but I am deeply affected by it, as is my whole life.  And I get so tired of him treating me like I am not allow to feel hurt or offended when others do not take that seriously.

I once said something about "going through a deployment" and got the coldest stare I've ever gotten.  I get it, the word choice isn't great, but in this life, the other options are so wordy and when talking to civilians it's too hard to explain it all and when talking to other spouses, they understand exactly what I mean.  We all say it.  "Our unit" "been through a deployment" etc the list goes on.

I've tried very hard to get in the habit of saying "my husbands unit," but really, I don't think I deserve this treatment from him.  I understand the difference in our situations.  I get that what happened to him did not happen to me directly, but I have been directly affected by it.  And I've grown weary of being treated like I don't know anything and am not entitled to feel anything about our life, the military dictating my life even though I am not the service member and the world revolving around my husband, his PTSD and the USMC.

I don't know what has caused this shift, but a few weeks ago, he started strutting around the house and acting like I don't know a thing about life in the real world.  Somehow, his diagnosis makes him superior to me.

I kind of wish he would go back to not speaking to me...