The kind of wonderful thing about having a blog, something that I didn't think about all those months ago when I started this, is that acts as a journal. This blog was meant to be the chronicle of our journey. Nothing special, nothing amazing, just life as I see it.
So many have reached out to me and told me of their own struggles and home lives and how they can relate to what I say. It was not something I foresaw happening, but feel so grateful that it has. It's amazing to know I'm not alone, but even more so, I feel flattered and blessed that what I am feeling and saying might be helping someone. I have no amazing pieces of advice most of the time, but to be understood is a pretty powerful thing.
On thing that I know is horribly misunderstood is the concept of why we all stay in these situations with all that happens. My husband is horribly verbally abuse to me. He can be cold, distant, indifferent and even cruel when he wants to be. And yet, here I am.
I can't speak for others. We all have reason for staying. But I know that I am hopeful. I hurt. My heart aches from the pain that I can't figure out how to help him and fix this. My pride stings when he picks on me. When someone you love is the bully, it means that their words hurt twice as much because they can pinpoint your insecurities. It is not an easy life. I can't remember the last time my husband touched me out of kindness and fondness for me.
But here I am. I am here because I look into the face of a stranger and see someone that I know loved me once. I see him laugh and there is a little twinge of who he once was in the tone of it. I am here because no matter how painful it is to be here, I wake up each day hopeful for those little tiny moments. We make progress, then we regress, then we progress again. I live for the days we move forward, no matter how many days we move back. I live for the moments that I can say that our love for each other is what saw us through, no matter how many years from now it may be.
I stay. I stay because he deserves a wife who will. For all that he has lost, he deservers something constant. It is not easy. It is lonely and painful and a life filled with so much sadness that some times the weight of it causes me to lose my breath. But for all that I am going through, all of my loss, pain and sadness, he has given up so much more. And he is in there... Somewhere. He may never be who he once was, but he is in there, and I will hold his hand and love him no matter what. Because when someone can't love themselves, they need someone who loves them more than the entirety of forever to make up for it.