Malaise

I've been away a bit more than usual.  Mostly because I have been able to schedule posts so that I don't have to worry, but also because... I just haven't had anything to say.

For some reason, well, for a reason I know but am not going to share, the last few weeks have been particularly bad.

This has left me with nothing to say.  Nothing to vent.  I have written about the hurt and the stress and the pain of it all from the spouses side.  I have written about how my husband must be feeling and what he is going through.  There was nothing left to say about these past few weeks.

I have nothing to eloquently spin into a life lesson.  I have nothing to use flowery, emotional words to describe.  I have nothing.  I have all but shut down.  It's what I'm best at in these situations.  I simply shut down, shut out the rest of the world and internalize all that I am attempting to process.

I don't know how to describe how these, the worst weeks we've had in a while, have felt.  Bad days I can deal with.  A few bad days in a row, I can deal with.  But 14 days of this constant secret battle it just too much.

I can't cry about it, I can't scream, I'm not even particularly angry at anything specific... Just a general malaise about myself, my role in this situation and my marriage, and about the world.

So, forgive me if I am intermittently here so soon after having started this as my safe place to voice what we are living through... I just don't have much to say.

I don't really know what to say.