Sadness

Today, I have become overwhelmingly sad.

I don't know why.

I'm sure this is just part of the roller coaster of emotions that I should expect to feel.  But I don't usually drop to overwhelming sadness and a lack of hope.  I don't lack hope or faith in my husband.  I don't lack hope in his ability to keep fighting... I lack hope in myself.

Today, I looked in the mirror and saw a failure.  A failure who hasn't achieved very many life goals that have substance.  I've done some cute ones.  But my real dreams?  They have been on hold for longer than I want to admit.  They have been on hold since I met my husband.

At first I gladly placed them to the side to make room for another goal in my heart.  My heart wanted nothing more than to look at his face forever.  I replaced dreams of further schooling, careers, and what my life was supposed to be, with dreams of folding his cammies and taking care of a man who's mere presence in a room made me feel safe.

I looked at this man and he was my goal.  Not to marry him, to love him and care for him.

Today, I looked in the mirror and saw a woman who never pursued further schooling, who gave up her life long determination to pursue the career of her dreams and who has so failed at fulfilling the new goals that had replaced them, it brought tears to my eyes.

I want so desperately to be the woman he deserves.  One who is not quick to self pity and anger.  One who doesn't look at each day with pain, but as a new day to be conquered and another step closer to healing.  I want to be a woman who can bravely say, "My husband has PTSD, but it is not all he is or all we are." I want to stand tall each day and know that he loves me deep inside, and I can help him through this to find that love...

I'm hopeless.  I have lost hope in myself as a spouse who can truly support her husband through the battle for his life.  I have lost hope that I can ever be that person.  I have no hope that I can be who he needs right now.

I woke up sad, without the ability to see how today I was going to be better, when I wasn't any better yesterday.  Because I wake up everyday and will him to be better than he was yesterday, be less quick to anger, to be more understanding, to gain the tools he needs to work through the demons he is facing... But I have done none of those things.

I still wake up angry at the world for doing this to him... I wake up angry at the world for doing this to me, for shattering the dreams I had, for taking away the man I love and making it so hard to find him again. I wake up hurting because of what we are going through and feeling selfish that I even include myself when I say that.  It's what he is going through.  I feel guilty that I worry about myself and my pain and my confusion and anger at all.  And I feel like a failure, when I can't set those feelings aside to be a better support to my husband.

I am overwhelmingly sad today... Because I'm a failure at life, as a wife, and as a caregiver to a brave US Marine suffering from Combat Related PTSD.  Because I never made much of myself and now, I feel like I will never be much of a wife.  That girl who set aside her goals for the new, more powerful goal of loving and taking care of her husband, is failing at doing just that.

I guess what I'm most sad about, what pains me the most, what is causing the feelings of hopelessness and that I have no faith that I can be that person.