I don't know how many of you read regularly, how many are visiting for the first time, or if anyone reads this at all, but it's about to get very honest for a moment and I would really appreciate your understanding and for you to withhold judgement. I'm about to ramble/vent and I need this to be a safe place to be honest and let my real feelings out.
I'm having a day where I'm looking at my life, at my husband and at my marriage and asking, "Why do I bother?" What's the point?
Everyday, I struggle to keep our life a secret. I lie. Flat out, not a grain of truth, lie. I cover things up, I sugar coat the truth. Everyday I fight little battles against the world. A world that doesn't understand. A world that blames me, that misrepresents our life and that stigmatizes my husband. So I lie. I lie to a world that would chastise the truth.
But for what?
For a man that comes home and ignores me. A man that kills my joy simply because he can. He's told me he is envious of what I have. That fact that I am working hard to find ways to cope. So whenever he can, he kills my joy. He takes my triumphs and tells me they are worthless. Why am I fighting for that? Why am I lying for that?
I have these days, you can read all about them right here, where I feel inspired and defensive. I want to the world to understand him. I want the world to understand it's not his fault. I want them to see why I stay. But I have these days too. Days I don't know why I stay. Days where I look at him and wonder what it is all for.
He can sit next to me in bed and hear me say that I need him to talk to me. And he will roll over and be asleep within minutes without ever having uttered so much as a moan in my direction. Last night, I was trying to tell him the same frustration I have been having with a household item and why it needs to be replaced. It's the same issue I've been telling him about for months. It's the same request, "please set aside money to replace it." And I got the same response. He was mad at me for being frustrated, which he shows be gritting his teeth and looking forward at the wall with a steely stare. And then he refused to actually talk to me, and then he rolled over and fell asleep without even uttering a moan that he was acknowledging I had even said anything.
Why bother? Why bother at all?
At this point it feels like I'm just going through the motions of the dutiful wife... I've grown so used to being ignored and emotionally being on my own that I often feel like I'm just floating along. I used to be the type of person that couldn't sleep if I were mad. Now, I can have him do what he did last night and roll over and fall asleep like nothing even transpired between the two of us.
I needed him last night. I had been stressed and then had good news sandwiched in. It was a stress/good news sandwich. He didn't spend long enough in the same room willing to speak to me to even know, listen or even give me a chance to say anything.
I give up.