I disappeared around Christmas. I did this because the holidays are stressful enough, but for some reason, everything triggers my husband making it that much worse. It means that I spend the holidays being ignored or yelled at.
It's not his fault, I know that. And there is nothing we can do about him not knowing what is triggering this stuff. It also doesn't help that the holidays are harder times to get appointments, which means he went a number of weeks without talking to his counselor.
But here I am, sitting in a post holiday mess of a life and I find that I am randomly bursting into tears. Not because anything truly terrible is happening, I'm quite literally crying over burnt toast these days, I find that it's more of the fact that, sometimes, holding it all together is just too much. Sometimes, the energy it takes to be the calm reassuring voice in my husbands life means that I am having to stifle the cries of my own heart. And sometimes, it means burnt toast for breakfast is just too much to cope with.
On paper, it all sounds so ridiculous. Burnt toast. So, what? Toss it and start over. I suppose when your life is a constant mess, you just need the little things to go right. We all need to win sometimes, and my wins don't have to be big ones. I just want my toast to be done, the butter to be soft and a moment to eat it in quiet while thinking of only my toast. That's all. Just a silly little win before starting the even bigger challenges of my day.
It's the little things in life, as they say, and I rely on those little things to see me through the big ones.