Our life isn't all bad. I know that by reading what I write in this blog you must assume that I am nothing but heartbroken and sad all the time. You must be assuming that all my husband and I do is fight or not talk or a mixture of the two. It's not all bad. No, we don't have the relationship that your standard, non-PTSD couple has, but we have devotion and that is something.
Even at his worst, I am devoted to my husband. And even when he hates me, he is devoted to me. It might be the one and only thing that we have in common at this point. In fact, I'm almost positive it is. But we could have a worse foundation to be trying to build upon.
And the one thing that keeps me going is a positive outlook on life. You wouldn't know it from what you read here, but I'm optimistic to a point of absurdity. Sometimes, it's almost sad. But I can't help what I am and I have always been a terrible Debbie Downer who is determined to look in the bright side. Which sounds impossible, but it's not. It is entirely possible to be a realist and sad while still wishing with your entire body for things to be better in the future. And I am like this in every aspect of my life. I give second, third and 100th chances to people who probably don't deserve it, I always try to understand even the meanest of people, and I find it hard to believe that anyone is a horrible person just because.
So one thing this, let's call it "interesting", life that I lead is that it is a double life. While with family, friends or at work, I am Annie, girl extraordinaire who is perky, friendly and nice, and who rarely has a cross word to say. And while I am at home with my husband, I am Annie, caregiver, secret keeper, part therapist, part crisis negotiator and always, ALWAYS stressed and worn out.
It is exhausting to keep up both lives and damn near impossible at times. One life always suffers at the hands of the other and I'm sad to say that it's usually the life in which Annie is happy. I liken it to being a double agent. Your loyalty may seem to lie with both parties, but in secret you can only truly be loyal to one.
But ever the optimist I will yet again look on the bright side. No one will ever be able to accuse me of lacking loyalty or devotion. And if I can keep up this insane double life, imagine what else I might be able to balance.
Being a double agent, leading a double life is not easy and I can only hope that the skills of lying, smiling when you don't want to and being able to maintain a life that is a huge secret from the rest of the world are valuable skills to have somewhere other than espionage. Though, I bet the CIA pays well.