What Do You Do When YOU Are The Problem?

What do you do when you are the current problem in the situation?  That's an excellent question that I do not have an excellent answer for.

Right now, I'm pretty sure that I am the problem.  We had this amazing talk about things and he has been crawling in bed to eat dinner with me if I'm in bed early.  He has been holding my hand when we are sitting next to each other.  He's been doing those little things that help us reconnect.

Me?

I've been getting in bed at 3pm.  I'm back in the "shut the world out" mode.  I'm back in the "the sadness is overwhelming" mode.  Get help.  I can hear all of you thinking that.  But you see, I have a therapist I see.  But our insurance only covers 50% of the visits.  This has caused more than one fight and I'm afraid to schedule an appointment for fear that he will yell at me and tell me he's tired of paying my medical bills.

I can't call Military One Source or any place like that because they require my name.

I'm the problem now.  I feel the sadness building a wall.  It's a wall of resentment and anger and irritation.  I don't want this though.  I want to hold his hand and eat dinner with him.  I want to give us the chance to reconnect.  Why must this always happen?  Why do I seem to get sad and angry and depressed when he wants to try to reconnect?

What am I supposed to do when I am the problem and don't know how to fix it?