Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My name is Annie, and I am angry.

My name is Annie, and I am angry.

I am angry at the world, I am angry at the universe and I am angry at my husband.  But not always in that order.

I think it's probably normal to feel angry, just as it's normal to feel sad in these situations, but sometimes, I feel guilty that I feel angry.  I don't know that my anger is properly placed.

I am angry at my husband, which I know isn't fair.  It's not his fault, but that doesn't stop me from blaming him.  I don't blame him to his face, because my mind knows that it's not his fault and that my anger is not right.  But I'm angry at him.  I'm angry at him for deploying, I'm angry at him for not coming home the man I married and I'm angry that I don't know how to help him and he won't always tell me.

I am angry at the universe.  Again, probably not a fair place to put my anger, but I am.  Why our life?  Why our family?  Why us?  When there are so many already suffering, why do more have to?  Why did our life have to fall apart, when we hadn't even had the chance to live it as husband and wife?  Why were we chosen for this?  Why do we have to give up all of our hopes and dreams because we can't even count on our day to day?

And I am angry at the world.  I am angry that others came home and didn't come home with PTSD.  I am angry that others who did realized it sooner and got help faster.  I am angry that others seem to be able to talk when my husband just shuts me out.  I am angry that there are people in this world who are happy and love each other and can have a good time without ever wondering how long it will last.

I AM ANGRY.

I am angry because the sadness, the grief and the feeling of being utterly lost in my own life and marriage are too much to feel at once.  So, instead, I am angry.  Because anger is a singular emotion that can encompass all that I have going on.


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1 comment:

K. L. Richardson said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My decaying marriage is also stained with PTSD and I'm doing my best to stay the course, focus on me until he's ready for me, my help, my love. And I do my best to let him know I'm here for him when he's ready. But it's incredibly frustrating when I see the illusion of perfection everyone else exudes. I feel guilty for feeling jealous because I used to have that and I want it again.

I wish I had some words of encouragement, some advice that's full proof--a magic bean that would fix everything, but I'm looking for that magic bean myself lol.

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