It's funny, the things I can't say. I say them all, but only in my heart.
For some reason, the time we have spent fighting this exhausting battle has created a wall that we don't seem to be able to climb. It's a barrier that prevents me from saying all the things I wish I could.
So each week, I sit down at my computer and I write. I write about what troubles me, I write about my pain, your pain, our pain and all of the things I wish I could tell you. I pour out, in an unabashed way the things that keep me up at night, but I never say them to you.
Goodness knows that I have tried, but that wall, that seems so un-scaleable, stands in my way. You are not able to hear me, or able to understand why I need to say them. You get angry, or you simply brush me aside.
The things I can't say to you are many, are heavy burdens to carry and things I must cope with on my own. Someday, I hope we can go back to sharing our lives, but I understand that this is the way it has to be... For now. For now, I will sit in silence and work towards the days when we are once again whole and able to speak without fear.
Until then, I will sit each week at my computer and write all the things I cannot say to you, but wish I could.