For some reason, the time we have spent fighting this exhausting battle has created a wall that we don't seem to be able to climb. It's a barrier that prevents me from saying all the things I wish I could.
So each week, I sit down at my computer and I write. I write about what troubles me, I write about my pain, your pain, our pain and all of the things I wish I could tell you. I pour out, in an unabashed way the things that keep me up at night, but I never say them to you.
Goodness knows that I have tried, but that wall, that seems so un-scaleable, stands in my way. You are not able to hear me, or able to understand why I need to say them. You get angry, or you simply brush me aside.
The things I can't say to you are many, are heavy burdens to carry and things I must cope with on my own. Someday, I hope we can go back to sharing our lives, but I understand that this is the way it has to be... For now. For now, I will sit in silence and work towards the days when we are once again whole and able to speak without fear.
Until then, I will sit each week at my computer and write all the things I cannot say to you, but wish I could.
8 comments:
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. That seemingly unscalable wall is so hard to face and I've struggled with this too. I hope that you can get back to that place of sharing your lives together.
Huge hugs to you. Thank you for sharing this here and i hope you are able to share your words elsewhere when the time is right. Sending strength.
Sending you lots of hugs. It is so hard to not be able to share yourself and your thoughts with the person you love.
sounds terribly lonely. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
I'd like to send a dose of courage your way - while I of course do not know your situation - I know I have been in situations where I felt that I couldn't say what I needed to say and I was fearful. When I finally gained the courage and strength to speak freely, things always turned out better than I'd imagined they would.
I don't know if this would be the case for you, but I hope that you will be able to resolve your troubles soon.
*hugs*
Lacey @ CHARM + Sass
I hope you find a way to say them. xo
I can't even imagine what you and your husband are going through. Stay strong and use this site to write through your frustrations as you all work on healing.
Your words have healing power. Continue keeping on.
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