Saturday, March 2, 2013

Overwhelmed

Everyone gets overwhelmed.  The fact is it's a fact of life.  There's not much you can do to prevent it from happening.  But in PTSD Land, it can be overwhelming all the time.  I still have not figured out how to prevent it because it always feels like I'm blindsided by it.  One day I wake up and BAM a pile of crap that I have to deal with and I just want to stop time for a bit.

I have been horribly overwhelmed and it's been 100% emotional.  My husband has been moody and I've hit a point where I just don't know what else I can do.  I feel like I have done everything possible for him.  I have changed careers, I have bent over backwards to accommodate him and have asked my different employers to do that too.  But nothing I do is ever right.  Even when it's something he asked of me. 

These past few weeks, I have watched him be angry at me for things that he initiated, asked for, or demanded.  I'm left feeling defeated and unsure of how to make it better.  I'm a failure not matter what I do to him.  It's a lose/lose situation for me. 

My mind has hazed over and I have started to feel apathetic towards things.  Not because I don't want to care, but because I have too many things to care about at once.  And the frustration and anger I feel towards the situation feels like it's always precariously under the surface and about to bust through at any moment.

I find it very hard to not tell my co-workers that their problems are petty, that their fights amongst themselves are stupid and that they don't know what real trouble is.  But I know it's not fair to feel that way.  I know I can't place my feelings and my situation on someone else.  I need to be sensitive, but I can't.  All I can feel is frustration and anger and a feeling of utter hopelessness that I'll ever be able to cope.

But I will survive this just as I have in the past.  I know it's temporary. I'll be ok.


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2 comments:

Risa said...

Pray, pray, and pray some more! You will get through it!

anita said...

I just found your blog and am humbled by your honesty and bravery in sharing your story and your strength for it all. I'm a wife of a former military man and also faced our first deployment a few months after our wedding, though that has now been 12 years past. At that time he'd started battling an illness that no one could figure out, and 12 years later we still battle it. Overwhelmed is the best word to describe my life most days. I share on my blog also, some about that battle, and some about our search for my missing brother, and some about life in general. But I struggle to be as honest as the words I read from you, so thank you for sharing yours.

~ Anita
http://losingaustin.blogspot.com/

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