Friday, July 20, 2012

Have A Little Faith In Me

Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
- Amy Whinehouse, Love is a Losing Game

There is, of course, an intense amount of stress in life when you feel like your every day life is a battle.  A battle to be heard, a battle to communicate, a battle to make it to bedtime without crying...

But have faith.  That is my lesson, my words of wisdom today.

Have a little faith.

For so long, it has felt like I have been swimming against the tide, swimming up stream, if you will.  It's exhausting.  It's frustrating, and I often wonder what am I doing it for?  Why am I fighting so hard when it feels like a losing game?

But I have to think we are headed somewhere.... The salmon swim up stream each year, unsure of why, compelled to fight the current that is pushing against them.  Some never make it to the top, some give up, but those that make it, those that fight, get to the top and get to see that life has purpose, even when we don't understand at first.

So, I will continue to fight this battle.  I don't know where we are headed.  Somedays it feels like no where, some days I see a gleam that our journey maybe making progress.  Somedays I do not make it bed without a tear in my eye, another crack in my heart and another ache in my stomach knowing I will wake up tomorrow and live it all again.  Other days, I managed to laugh and mean it, smile and know that it was partially genuine, or maybe even look at the sunset and think tomorrow could be better than today.

I will have a bit of faith in myself.   That my heart knows why I am still here, even if there are times when my head wants to quit.  And I will have faith in him, that he is not giving up yet.  That we may not be fighting the same battle, or even the same war, but we are fighting for the same purpose.

So have a little faith in me, that this journey will all make sense someday.  That I am not giving up for a reason.  Have a little faith in me, that I am still standing, beaten, defeated, but standing, facing what is coming, uncertain as it may be, ready to weather another storm, clinging to the hope of the calm on the other side.

Have a little faith in me, that my injuries will heal, my resentments will fade and soon, you will hear my laughter louder than my moans, and my joys more often than my pains.

Please, have a little faith in me.  Someday, I will not be so beaten and defeated.... Someday, I will be strong and have the ability to weather our storms and wait for the calm on the other side with you, hand in hand.

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