Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Only Thing That Makes Sense

My husband had been away for a while on military related duty.  He came home recently and the silly romanticized idea of him I create in my head while he is away was no where to be found.  To build him up, so far away from the idea of who he really is now, is not conducive to our marriage, but it's hard.  The reality is that he is most lively, more interactive, and most happy when talking about the military or military related things.

It breaks my heart a little.  I wanted to discuss taking a weekend to get away from it all and he seemed less than interested, but light up 30 min later when he told me that a fellow Marine invited us to visit.  He walked away from me repeatedly while I tried to talk to him, he acted disinterested when I tried to tell him about life while he was away, he couldn't care less about one of our pups being sick. But he could smile (his old smile) and laugh as he related anecdotes and stories from his time away.

It's painful, but I understand.  I understand why our life is this way.  I can talk to him about what color to paint the bathroom, how work is going, what my friend had to say about this or that, but he is never going to truly listen.

I've tried to talk to him.  My worry is that if I give up on talking to him about our life, our finances, my life, my work... If I give up on trying to include him, that he will continue to live life the way he is now and that in a year, or two, or five, when he is moving forward and getting back to life, WE won't have a life for him to get back to.  We will have grown so far apart, our lives will be so separate, that we won't be able to come back together after all that time.

He tells me he's sorry.  I know he is.  The only thing is his life that makes sense to him right now is the Marine Corps.  So, I'm just going to keep trying to hold us together, and keep us moving moving forward as long as I can, until OUR life starts to make sense to him again. 

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