You know, before this all started, before the words PTSD ever entered our life, or my mind, I was a pretty normal person. I laughed at ridiculous people, I giggled at dirty jokes and loved rainy days. What can I say, I'm not a sun shine, hot weather kind of gal.
But now, it feels like there is never enough room in my heart to laugh at ridiculous things in life, only anger that such ridiculous things can happen in the same moment as my heart break. There is no room for dirty jokes when my mind is so heavy with how we will cope with today. And the rain only reminds me that the sun no longer feels like it is able to shine on my life.
I was watching a TV show yesterday and the guy said the only thing that is real is this moment we are in. The woman kept asking him to tell her something real to help ease the pain of her loss, and he said that only the moment we are in is real. And it is real that the person who had caused her pain, the death of her child, was also a live in the same moment they were.
What an odd thing to touch me so deeply but it did. It did because I am only this moment. This odd existence I lead is moment to moment in search of something real and tangible. I cannot think of tomorrow or yesterday anymore. Neither mean much to me. Yesterday only serves to remind me of what we used to have and tomorrow is too indefinite to define in my life. There is never much thought for what the future will bring, just thoughts of making it from one moment to the next.
I live for the moment, but not in the way others do, for the thrill of it. I live each moment unsure of where the next will take us... I live each moment because the last moment is too painful and the next too full of uncertainty to provide much comfort.