Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I Hate You

Yes, you.  You couples that are happy.  You people that share the joys of your day, no matter how small.  I hate you. I hate that you are able to see the beauty in the faults of life.  I hate that you are able to laugh when your plans fail, as they tend to do.  I hate that you share pictures of your joys....

I am so sad.  I am so sad that I cry when my plans fail, when the my dogs won't stop barking... I can no longer see the beauty in the general faults in life, only the pain it causes.

It feels like my life is wobbling.  Swaying to and fro and I am unable to tell when it might topple completely over.  I am standing, swaying with it, trying to steady it, trying to be ready when everything come crashing down.

I used to see the beauty if freshly laundered and folded clothes, the creases slightly off center and placed gently in the drawer.  I used to love to see the imperfections of the world, how it highlights the differences in the creatures of this earth, how it shows that we are all lovely and unique in our own way...

Now I cry that things are so imperfect.  Now I cry that I cannot make things more balanced and lovely.

I feel frustrated that I am only human.  We are so fragile and life is so delicate, but we don't find that out until it's no longer there.  I am fragile when I should be strong, I crumble when I should be able to weather any storm.  I feel like I am going to break at any moment because I am human and I can only take on so much before my body will give out... Before my heart and my soul will give out.

I hate you.  I hate you that are so happy, I hate your smiles that are so genuine.  I hate your friends and your family who love you.  I hate that I look at you and all I see is my loneliness and heart ache staring back at me.  I hate that you remind me of how far I have to go to heal and feel whole.  I hate that I have to look at you and know that my husband and I are not out there enjoying life.

I hate you, for reflecting what I want, but know I can't have right now.

I hate you, for reflecting back that things I am jealous of, envious of, and that I covet.

I hate you, because I desperately wish I could be in your shoes.  

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