Monday, October 15, 2012

Honest Conversations

Having an honest conversation with my husband is a struggle.  It is not because I have a hard time being honest, but because he has a hard time listening and responding honestly to me.  He tends to hide his feelings, shut me out and refuse to look at our life square in the face and accept how things are.

The reality is that I have thought about leaving.  The reality is that if he doesn't start accepting that I am a part of this fight and this journey, there is nothing more I can do.  It is not realistic for him to expect that he can spend his time figuring things out and that I will sit by and wait for him to decide he's ready to part of OUR life again.

The past two weeks have been awful.  Beyond horrible.  It was so painful when I tried to speak with him about the apathy that I could feel developing in my heart towards our situation.  It was even worse when he ignored me and I didn't even have the energy to fight to be heard.  He has been unbearable, but not because of temper tantrums or arguing or rage, because for two weeks I have ceased to exist in his life.  He literally fell asleep while I was trying to tell him some very honest and painful things I was feeling in my heart.

5 days ago, I gave up.  I whole heartedly stopped trying.  I didn't bother to make the effort to talk to him, I didn't get angry when he didn't listen to me, I didn't even really care when he walked away while I was speaking to him.  Emotionally, I threw my hands up in defeat and surrendered to what our life had become.

Today, an honest conversation was forced at his feet when I told him that I didn't care if we stayed married and that I was likely going to pack up and leave one day very soon.  Not likely to pack up as a threat, but I honestly haven't been able to get the thought out of my head to just throw my clothes in a bag, walk out the door and never look back.

He had to listen.  He had to finally admit what was going on: He cannot feel.  He is apathetic towards himself and thus cannot be a part of my life.  He doesn't know who he is, he doesn't know who I am and he doesn't know how to be angry, sad, happy or outraged.  All he knows is that life is a struggle to not relive every horrible thing he's seen each day when he opens his eyes.

Honest conversations do not happen often in our house.  Hopefully today's honest look at our life is going to be a jumping point for him to face some of the things he doesn't want to...


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