Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Rough Month

This last month has been tough.  Especially tough.  I have tried to keep my distances, but for some reason, that isn't working.  Talking isn't working. Pleading, crying, nothing is working...

I found a journal from high school.  I used to write a lot.  Not like a diary, but a collection of poems and thoughts and things I felt in a non-linear form. I noticed a striking similarity to my thoughts then and now. I was lonely then.  I won't go into why.  Who I was in high school is not important at this moment, but it struck me that so much of my life I have been lonely.  Am I married to my husband because some part of me knew this would be my life? Is it true that people are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over?  Is that why this is so hard?

I don't know.  Seems silly to think that somehow I created this mess in a subconscious way...

This all seems so stupid to think of, but I don't know what else to think.  He is no different today than he was three years ago or last year or yesterday.  We are not in any better a place and at some point I feel like I must be deluding myself to think that we are moving forward.

Sometimes I don't know why I stay.  I don't know why I'm still here.  I feel defeated, what else is new? But I guess this new defeated feeling is the feeling that I will stay not because things are improving, but because I don't care enough to leave.  Am I that person? Am I the person who stays purely because she doesn't care enough to leave?

Maybe it's just the toll of having such a long period of time that has been so hard.  A month is a long time to be going through this.


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