Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Roller Coaster

This crazy life we lead is a roller coaster.  A dated metaphor, I'll admit, but I lack a better term.  Maybe it's like trying to ride the wave of a tsunami.  Sometimes it feels like I'm just surfing towards the shore and other times it's like trying to stay afloat while a wild wave is crashing every which way I turn, threatening to drown me.

What this all means is that I often have times that I can't control my emotions any better than my husband can control his.  It means that we had a period of fighting and anger at the world that lasted over two months and here I am feeling so defeated that I don't know what to do... But the last two days have been fine.  I consider it a form of emotional whiplash.  I swing one way to find safety and stability and can't control the whipping motion that my emotions are forced into when I start to swing the other way.

Two months is such a long period of time to be struggling, fighting, hurting, anger, sadness, hopelessness, hopefulness, and the whole spectrum of emotions in between.  So when, without warning, the barrage of emotions that I have been deflecting suddenly stops, it's like I don't know how to feel anymore.  Or, on the flip side, all the things that I was feeling but had to be in tight control of to prevent the situation from becoming worse all seem to be washing up next to me as the remnants of the tsunami are washing up around me.

I have no idea what to do about this.   I busy myself.  I try to find ways to heal.  I try to do a lot, but mostly, I sit, unsure of what to do in my own skin.

This is one of those situations that I have no advice for.  I have no idea how to fix it, make it better, or lessen the effects of it. I can only hope that time will give me some insight, but for now, I'm sitting on my couch feeling crumby.


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