Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Someday, Probably Someday Soon

We got married and had less than a year together before my husband deployed.  That means that for the bulk of my marriage, more than half of my married life, we have been struggling with PTSD.  It means that I never really got the chance to have a happy marriage, a successful marriage, or even a peaceful marriage.

Spending all those months gearing up for a deployment meant stress and fighting.  Spending all those months planning a wedding alone, while my husband worked, meant stress and fighting.  And now, all these years later, we have had nothing but stress and fighting.

Since returning home, I have tried.  I have tried harder than most to keep us together and I have tried harder than most would to stay with my husband.  I have tried to be his support system, however flawed that might be.  I have tried and tried.

But my husband doesn't seem to be trying at all.  He has spent the last three years rolling over and falling asleep while I am talking.  Even when it's something super important.  Even when I really need him to listen to me.  Even when I really need someone. Even when I really need him.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me sitting here wondering how many more years he is going to take all I have to give and give me nothing I have in return.  It makes me wonder how long he expects me to support him and be there for him, when he doesn't do the same for me.

It pains me to think about the last three years and how lonely it's been.  How can the man I married not think that sometimes I need someone too? Sometimes I need to be able to come home and know the person waiting for me is always going to be there.  Instead, I have been living life alone.  And it scares me because I get better at it everyday and someday, probably someday soon, the reason I needed my husband isn't going to be there anymore.  Someday, probably some day soon, I will be self sufficient.

I'm already learning what I can accomplish without his help.  I've already started to live my own life without him.  I have my own friends, I have my social life and hobbies.  I'm realizing that he doesn't know anything about me anymore... He is so all consumed with his own issues that he is failing to see that I sometimes have things going on in my life too.

And someday, probably someday soon, I'm going to wake up and realize that I can live life without him.  Someday, probably someday soon, I'm not going to feel compelled to stay.



NavyWif33 said...

Hey thanks for stopping by my blog. Im one of your newest followers and im also a military spouse too. You have a nice blog here. I cant wait to read more!

Paula Miller said...

Hi Annie!! Thanks so much for stopping by and for the follow! I've just returned the follow with GFC, and have also added you on G+ :)


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